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The Mini Junk Drawer
You have a junk drawer, right? Of course you do! But do you have a mini junk drawer? A drawer so small that for all intents and purposes is really just decorative. It can’t even fit cutlery. It’s a...
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In My Next Life, I’m Coming Back as a Cat
Every morning when it’s about time to do my cardio video in the living room, it’s the same thing. My cat Lucky waits for me in the center of the room. I take this as my cue to put my sneakers on. I...
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The Last Holdout
“We are shutting down our 2G network by the end of 2016.” – Your friends at ATT. And so it begins. I’ve been a cell phone user since 2008. The crappy kind of cell phone with the capability for only old...
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For a Quarter More We Could Buy You More Brain
Every so often I perform one of my most-hated chores: taking our oversized comforter to the laudromat. Somehow time spent at the laundromat is some kind of wrinkle in the time space continuum, such...
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Dear Password Letter
Dear New Work Password, I really tried hard to love you. In fact, to prepare for loving you, I practiced many other passwords first to see how quickly I could type them, while maintaining the strongest...
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Too Much Time on Your Hands
When you say “It looks like someone has too much time on their hands,” all I hear is “I’m sad because I don’t know what creativity feels like.” I read this comment on a blog almost a decade ago and...
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Passive Aggressive Bar Scanner
OK, so I know I haven’t been able to shake a five pound weight gain from a recent vacation due to the following ice cream and ice cream-related events: 1. Sept. 24: chocolate/vanilla twist 2. Sept 25:...
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You’ve Come a Long Way, Baby
When I was in my mid-20s, I lived in an apartment that had its fair share of problems: green shag carpeting, pitiful air conditioning, and a laundry room buried in a dark and scary basement next to the...
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Leave It to Me
So today I poked myself in the eye with the corner of some tri-folded paper towels that I reached up to grab off a shelf when I needed to wipe my mouth after brushing my teeth over the trash can in my...
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The Twist Cone Dilemma
One of the problems with buying an ice cream cone in the middle of a hazy, hot, and humid summer is melt speed. Get a large cone and you’re forced to inhale it to minimize the inevitable...
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That One Fork in your House That You Hate
You know the fork. The one that you’ve kept for 25 years but has no business being in your silverware drawer because it’s so ugly, and it doesn’t look like the others, and you believe it actually...
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Cut Me Some Slack, Jack!
So I’m driving home from my BIL’s house on a highway near me and got behind a truck hauling some earth moving machinery and that always makes me nervous because you should never trust anyone to secure...
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The COVID-19 Notebook
Here lies The COVID-19 book, the crappy notebook I found in some box in the days after I started working remotely, now with only one empty page left. Normally, I keep scrap paper at my campus office...
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When you don’t eat a meal at a table like a normal person
Ten minutes after tossing two blankets in the dryer, I went back to "un-ball" them and a piece of bacon fell out from the last time I ate a sandwich on the couch where the blankets were. Discuss.
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